What to do if someone you know has lost a loved one

1. Be there. Go to the visitation. You don’t have to say any wise words; just give a hug or a handshake. The less you say, the better.
2. Pick up the phone and tell them you were just thinking of them and then listen to what they say. If they talk, let them talk. Don’t interrupt with questions or platitudes. Let them do all of the talking and hang up when they are through. If you call and they just say thanks and hang up, then they aren’t ready to talk. But they did need you to call so they don’t feel forgotten. Just that you called is comfort enough.
3. Don’t ask questions.
4. Don’t offer advice.
5. Don’t tell them it will get better or that the person is in a better place.
6. Listen to what they say. “When you have the time to hear people out, it’s really a gift you give them,” Parker says.

Kay Parker doesn’t see her job as a downer. As co-founder and director of The Healing Place, Parker helps people feel their way through the grief of losing a loved one.

“There is sadness, but there’s lots of fun, too,” Parker says.

It is this work she has done, and is continuing to do, that has made Parker the 2007 Shoals Woman of the Year.

Parker is a graduate of Samford University and received a master’s degree at the University of North Alabama. She was working as a counselor at the North Alabama Cancer Center when a hospice worker brought in a tape of a “20/20” documentary about a center in Portland.

“I watched the tape and decided that with God’s help there will be a place (like this) in this town,” Parker says.

She and friend Sharon Scogin called people involved in grief support in this area and asked what they offered for children and teens in the Shoals. There were a few things in place, but nothing that offered year-round grief support. Once the two ascertained they wouldn’t be duplicating services, they decided to go ahead with the plan.

They applied for, and received, 501c3 status. After that, Jackie Scogin, who is Sharon’s brother-in-law, offered to build a house for them.

“We said we didn’t have any money,” Parker says. “He said that people aren’t going to fund a vision.”

Scogin and his wife Connie built the house that is home to The Healing Place.

Despite some stumbles, Parker and Scogin continued to work to find the money to get The Healing Place started.

“I was not afraid,” Parker says. She says she found courage to keep going from her faith that God wanted The Healing Place to come into being.

“I write prayers in my journal,” Parker says. “One of them was, ‘Dear God, it wasn’t supposed to be this hard.’ But I wasn’t afraid because I knew this was going to be.”

One great step toward achieving their goal was when they went into a partnership with the Hospice of the Shoals. Another was through a partnership of a different kind

“I asked Stewart Cink if he would do a golf tournament for us,” Parker says.

Cink, who is a PGA Tour professional, agreed, and The Healing Place Charity Championship was born. The tournament, which celebrated its fifth year this summer, is the organization’s biggest fundraiser.

Today, The Healing Place is funded through grants, local foundations, individual contributions, churches, organizations and the golf tournament.

Inside the yellow, three-bedroom house that The Healing Place leases from Scogin, are rooms to help people cope with their grief. There is a room with comfortable couches that adults can sink into and discuss their experiences and feelings. Another room, called the quiet room, is a place where both children and adults can go to cry or just think. For those dealing with anger at their situation, the tornado room, with its gray padded floor and walls and inflatable toys is a perfect, safe place to let out those feelings.

There are rooms for children to meet and talk or just play and do arts and crafts. There even is a bathtub filled with stuffed animals ready to offer solace.

Parker says there is no timeline for grief. People can go through it in a short time, or it can take many years.

“Grief takes as long as it takes,” Parker says. “When a person has a need or desire to feel better, they will find a way to talk to somebody to help them feel better.”

She says it is important that people work through their feelings of loss because bottled-up grief can lead to health problems down the line.

“If you don’t take care of that kitten, it will grow up to be a tiger sometime,” she says.

She cited a study that found a high percentage of people in prison have suffered a loss of a loved one without an opportunity to grieve that loss.

The way to get through the loss of a loved one, Parker says, is to talk to someone who will listen and understand your loss.

“Everybody gets sad, but if we get to be heard and understood, then grief doesn’t turn into depression, fear into panic and anger into rage,” she said.

And, she says, everybody’s feelings and stories are different.

“People need a safe place they can be heard and get new information to learn healing thoughts,” Parker says. “They will have their memories, but they won’t be debilitating anymore.”

She says people sometimes have trouble relating to another person who has lost someone, but it doesn’t have to be awkward.

“People are uncomfortable with someone else being sad,” Parker says. “They just want you to be OK. It may seem they don’t care, but they just don’t know what to do with you.”

She said the worst thing you can do if someone you know is suffering from a loss is to ask questions, offer advice or tell them the person is in a better place. She said the person grieving doesn’t need to hear those things.

“We pressure ourselves to say and do the right thing,” Parker says. “But just being there is the right thing.”

She says instead of searching for the perfect, wise words to say, just give them a hug or a handshake. She says that really, the less you say is better for that person.

“I think that’s why we have two ears and one mouth,” Parker says. “It’s a gentle reminder.”

Though she works in an area of sadness, Parker is a woman filled with joy.

“I look for humor and pleasure pockets whenever I can during the day,” Parker says.

She has been known to don funny house shoes, Groucho glasses and funny hats to lighten the mood.

“I just have fun along the way, but I know when to be serious, too,” Parker says.

She is dedicated to helping The Healing Place grow and increase the amount of people it can help throughout the Shoals.

“I’m 64, and I’m not looking for anything other than The Healing Place growing,” she says.

The organization soon will expand its presence at the Shoals Family Success Center in Florence to create an after-school program for parents and children.

It is the work that she loves, and the mission that she embraces.

“I live and breathe The Healing Place,” Parker says. “It’s not work, it’s just something I love.

“Everybody is born to do something. This is what I was born to do.”