You wear what you eat

What is the No. 1 fashion problem we women face today?

This question will be easier to answer when you know that by “we women,” I really mean “one woman” and by “one woman,” I really mean “me.” And it will be even easier to answer when you know that I am a slob and a klutz and a dining disaster who is unable to eat a single meal without creating an embarrassing mess.

It’s true. I am the person you don’t want to sit beside. It’s not that I’m loud or noisy or disgusting — at least, I don’t think I am — it’s just that whatever’s on my fork has only about a 50-50 chance of actually making it to my mouth.

I don’t know what happens. I think I get to talking and laughing and enjoying that yummy cheesy drippy piece of pizza or that incredibly delicious hunk of chocolate, double-fudge, cocoa-frosted cake and, before you know it, somebody’s dipping a napkin in a water glass and saying, “Here, let me help you just get that spot right there. Oh, and that one there, too,” and my husband is pointedly ignoring the shower of crumbs falling from my lap as I get up.

So my No. 1 fashion problem? How to make it through the day looking like the reasonably grown-up adult woman I am instead of looking like my 1-year-old grandson, an enthusiastic and, shall we say, hands-on eater who gets whisked away for a clothing change after every meal.

Or maybe I should take a tip from his mommy and carry an extra shirt around with me all the time.

But the more I think about it, the more I think this is the right approach. I mean, maybe the problem isn’t me at all. Maybe the problem is my clothes. Or rather, maybe I can solve my problem by picking the right clothes.

Look at it this way: Brides have the right idea after all. You’d think that wearing all-white at a blowout party would be highly dangerous, but no. And why? Consider the typical wedding menu of (white) cake and (clear) champagne. White dress plus white food equals no eating disasters.

It’s brilliant!

Why didn’t I think of this before?

So all we have to do now is apply this theory to every-day dressing.

For example, if you’re headed to a morning breakfast meeting, forget the bright pink dress and opt for that coffee-colored jacket instead. Meeting friends for lunch? Try the green-and-white print skirt that’s the perfect accompaniment for salad with ranch dressing. Attending a ballgame demands, of course, those yellow-brown pants for maximum mustard absorption, and Mexican food for supper calls for either a bright red or a dark green T-shirt, depending on whether you’re a salsa or a guacamole type of person.

This changes everything, you know.

Your grocery list now will be used for your closet as well as your kitchen. Instead of reading Vogue for style trends, you’ll browse supermarket ads for weekly specials. And party-invitation dress codes will read “BBQ-sauce attire” instead of “black tie.”

Not to mention all the money and time you’ll save on laundry.

My only problem now is that I can’t come up with an appropriate outfit for my favorite lunch of a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich with Cheetos and chocolate milk.

I’m thinking something in a brown, purple and orange paisley.