Tiny buttons, stupid thumb a bad combo

Bernie's World

I have a request for the phone company.

Could you help me out by adding a zero to any phone number in Colbert County that starts with the numbers "38" as in 381, 383 and 386?

I know that sounds like a crazy notion, but there's a very good reason for my request. You see, when I call from my cell phone, I can't dial the number 8 without my big, stupid thumb also hitting 0. So, a 381 becomes 3081.

Other times, I dial 3801, depending on my thumb's mood. This is particularly troublesome because my home number starts with 381, so I haven't been able to call my family from my cell phone in years.

So, if you'll just make that little change, phone company, I'd appreciate it. And don't worry, I called all my fellow Colbert County residents, and none voiced any complaint about the plan.

Well, technically, the reason nobody voiced any objection is because I wasn't able to get through to them because I can't dial their numbers without my big, stupid thumb hitting 0 when I press 8.

Granted, today's small cell phones are more convenient than those from about 20 years ago. Remember those whoppers? They looked like those walkie-talkies you'd see soldiers yelling "we're pinned down" into in one of those old war movies.

So, the problem I have is, I want a cell phone that's small enough to fit in my pocket, but with large numbers so "Big, Stupid Thumbs" Delinski can dial it without that dang 0 showing up.

In other words, I want the old-fashion numbers in a new-fangled cell phone.

I pondered this for some time late one night when I couldn't sleep. That's when I do my best pondering.

And I think I have come up with the solution: I want a cell phone with a rotary dial.

That way, I can just use my index finger to dial. Plus, just imagine the conversation piece that sucker would provide.

The only downfall to a rotary phone, though, is when you call someone who has a bunch of eights, nines and zeros in their number.

I mean, it used to take forever to call them with a rotary phone. Then again, maybe I shouldn't have a rotary phone. It might cost someone their life in an emergency.

I can just see it: I witness a wreck and reach for my phone to dial 911. Then I think, "Geez, is it really that much of an emergency? I mean, the cars weren't going that fast, and that 9 is wwaaayyy down the line on this rotary phone. It would take forever to turn the dial thingy all the way around, and then I'd have to wait for it to return to its original place so I can dial the ones."

So, I'll stick with a touch-tone phone. But if 911 ever changes to 811, watch out for a bunch of 8011 calls from me and my big, stupid thumb.

"Bernie's World" runs Saturdays in the TimesDaily. Bernie Delinski can be reached at 740-5739 or bernie.delinski@timesdaily.com.