Heavy rains can't stop tiny nemesis

Just Ask

Idon't know if anyone's noticed, but we've had a small bit of rain lately.

Well, it's been a "small bit" in the way Hurricane Katrina caused a "small bit" of damage, but the point is, it's rained lately.

I've been awfully tired of the rain, but for a while, every time I left my house and headed to the car, I giggled a bit. It was that kind of giggle the bad guy in those James Bond movies delivers shortly before bursting into laughter while Bond is tied to some crazy death machine.

What I've always wondered is: If the villain has gone through all that effort to lure Bond into his evil hideout and kill him, why doesn't he just kill him easily? Does he really need to wait for that machine to go through a more elaborate process than the "Mouse Trap" game goes through to cage the toy mouse?

Anyway, back to me giggling in the rain. The reason for the giggles was simple: Even though I was getting soaked as I walked along my driveway, I knew, deep down in my heart, that the rain was getting rid of those danged aphids.

Specifically, the Asian woolly hackberry aphids, those little white specks that look like snow but are actually small bugs that leave nasty black marks on stuff and somehow spread some sticky gunk all over the place.

So help me, that gunk gets so bad that I feel like I'm having that dream where you're trying to run but are stuck in mud every time I walk up or down my back-porch steps.

So, I'd giggle and giggle at the thought of those little pieces of evil dying in the rain. But then it happened: The rain stopped one day. I stepped outside, and what surrounded me? A snowstorm of APHIDS, that's what!

Somebody kill these things before they kill us all! They even make it difficult to carry on a conversation outdoors. Here's a typical conversation between Person 1 and Person 2 in my yard:

Person 1: It's 80 degrees outside, but I could swear I'm seeing snowflakes. What are - AACCKKK!

Person 2: Those are just the aphids. And I can tell by your "AACCKKK" that one flew in your mouth. I've probably swallowed 100 of those danged - AACCKKK!

Person 1: COUGH-COUGH! I think I'm OK now. How about you? Are you - AACCKKKK!

Person 2: AACCCKKKK! I can't imagine anything worse than these things flying in my - YOW! MY EYE! One got in my eye!

Person 1: I'll save you. Just - ACHOO! My nose - they're in my nose!

Person 2: What did you say? I can't hear you, what with this aphid in my ear.

Person 1: Quick! Let's run inside!

Person 2: I can't! For some reason, I'm stuck to the porch steps.

Person 1: Get your paws off me you - AACCCKKKK - dirty aphids!

Bernie Delinski can be reached at 740-5739 or bernie.delinski@TimesDaily.com.