Well, not everyone. That’s because, remarkably, the networks continue to overlook me.

With that in mind, I present the would-be holiday classic, “A Very Bernie Christmas.”

The setting would be my house. All of my relatives and in-laws would be there, thus making it a very happy scene for me, because I’d be somewhere else.

Kidding! I’m (sort of) kidding.

Anyway, here’s the special:

Relative 1: “Bernie, how are you enjoying your Christmas special so far? Bernie? Hey, where is he?”

Relative 2: “He’s still asleep. But he should be getting up soon. He’s usually up at the crack of noon. Oh, there he is, in the kitchen.”

Bernie: “Merry Christmas Eve, everyone!”

Relative 3: “It’s Christmas Day.”

Bernie: “Wow, that nap I took yesterday morning must have really been a doozy. Don’t worry though, I’ll have Bernie’s Christmas Dinner Surprise finished in a moment. Hey, there’s the signal that it’s ready!”

Relative 1: “Was that the sound of the oven buzzer? It was a strange sound for a buzzer.”

Bernie: “Ha-ha! Good one, Relative 1. No, I usually rely on the smoke detector to tell me when I’ve had something in the oven long enough. The sound you heard was more of a pop-up noise. And here’s the meal!”

Relatives: “Yecchh.”

Bernie: “Geez, it’s like people just don’t have any appreciation for the culinary efforts of well-heated toast these days. Oh, well, while you’re scraping the char from the slices, head to the tree. I’ve got a special gift for all the kids.”

All the kids: “Oh boy!”

Bernie: “And I picked it out on my own!”

Parents of all the kids: “Oh (next word deleted in the interest of Christmas and this being a family newspaper).”

Bernie: “Ah, come on, why are you doubting me?”

Parents of all the kids: “It has something to do with last year’s gift.”

Bernie: “Are you trying to tell me they didn’t like the Junior Tattoo Starter Kit? Don’t worry. This year’s gift is educational. It will teach them about nature. Go ahead, kids, open it.”

All the kids (upon opening it): “It’s empty.”

Bernie: “Empty? Uh-oh, it escaped. Someone call animal control. And probably the SWAT team.”

Parents of all the kids: “What?!”

Bernie: “Don’t worry, it shouldn’t be that hungry. It ate an entire hyena yesterday.”

Parents of all the kids: “That’s terrible!”

Bernie: “You’re telling me. I’ll never get those blood stains out of the carpet (a huge roar is heard in the background). Well, that’s our show for this year, folks. Thanks for tuning in, and for those in the studio audience, Merry Christmas and — it seems like there was something else I was going to add. Oh yeah, I remember — run!”