So you’d like to spend your life being rich and famous? Well, I’m here to help you out.

That’s right, I’m going to teach you how to become rich and famous and stay that way, in only two easy steps.

Step 1: Somehow become rich and famous.

Step 2: Get a reality TV show.

I’m telling you, those shows are the key to it all. For some reason, the public can’t get enough of you, and that means you’ll always make money.

And that’s how you become rich and famous and stay that way.

You’re welcome.

As a bonus, I’m even going to help you by providing a script for one of those reality shows. We’ll call it, “The Real World Of The Jersey Apprentice Survivor.”

Whiny Woman: My life is terrible.

Whiny Man: Mine is more terrible.

You: Mine is terriblist of all.

Whiny Woman’s Boyfriend: My girlfriend is whining. I think I’ll cheat on her with Whiny Man’s girlfriend.

Whiny Man’s Girlfriend: But I had planned to cheat on you with Guy Who’s Cool Because He’s Sullen.

You: Why can’t everyone just get along? Besides, I was going to cheat with Guy Who’s Cool Because He’s Sullen (unless you’re a guy, in which case you’ll cheat with Girlfriend Of Guy Who’s Cool Because He’s Sullen).

Whiny Woman’s Whiny Brother: Hi, everyone. I’m moving in with you because I lost my job and my parents kicked me out of the house, all because of my little drug problem.

Whiny Woman: Which little drug problem? The crack, meth, opium or speed?

Whiny Woman’s Whiny Brother: None of the above. I’ve already been to rehab over those. This time it’s heroin.

You: Let’s celebrate your arrival by all going out to a bar, getting drunk, becoming angry with each other, then being real mad the next morning and giving each other the stink eye.

Whiny Man: But what about our jobs?

You: Ha-ha! That’s a good one, Whiny Man. You know none of us has ever had a job.

Whiny Woman: Hey, no laughing here. You know the house rule: all the whine, all the time.

You: My bad, I forgot. Ugh, I’m such a loser for forgetting. Why can’t I remember that? Why?

Whiny Woman: That’s more like it.

You: By the way, I can’t remember, why is it we’re whiny.

Whiny Man: Because we’re rich. And famous. And don’t have to work. And go out partying all the time. And — wait a minute, where was I going with this?

You: So, we have nothing to whine about?

Whiny Woman: I guess not.

Whiny Man: Well, that makes me feel awful for whining. In fact, I feel so bad, I say we spend the evening whining about it.

You: Good idea. But let’s save that for tomorrow night, after sulking and giving each other the stink eye all day.