The other day, I made a huge mistake — I sat down to watch television before reaching for the remote.
That, of course, meant I had two choices:
Choice 1. Get up and get the remote, which was only 10 feet away, or,
Choice 2. Just stay there in the recliner like some kind of a worthless bum and see if I like what's on.
Naturally, I chose Choice 2. In my defense, I'd decided that if I didn't like what was on, I'd make that long trek across the living room and change the channel.
Here's the problem, though: a movie had just started. You know how they have movie ratings like PG, PG-13, R, etc. Well, I think they should add an MC warning, as well. That stands for Marathon Credits. It turns out this was an MC movie. The credits went something like this:
Bernie: All right, here comes the title.
Credits: Joe Smith presents ...
Bernie: Who's Joe Smith? Oh, well, on to the title.
Credits: A Smithtown Production.
Bernie: Don't care. Title?
Credits: In association with Melvin Films.
Bernie: Hey Melvin, what's the title?
Credits: From Delivery Distribution.
Bernie: Yo, Delivery, how 'bout delivering me a title? Chop-chop!
Credits: Gleaned from the novel, "The Critical Element."
Bernie: What's a glean? GIVE ME THE TITLE!
Credits: And based on the true story of Chuck Black.
Bernie: For crying out loud — TITLE!!
Credits: From the creators of "The Last Element."
Bernie: All right, there cannot possibly be another thing that they can come up with besides the title. Here it comes, this is it ...
Credits: Brought to you in stunning high definition.
Bernie: Oh, COME ON!
Credits: Produced by Erma Flynn.
Bernie: Well, at least we're down to the producer.
Credits: Directed by Clark Destin.
Bernie: There. That's done.
Credits: Associate director, Clark Destin II.
Bernie: Really? Wow, I hope Clark Destin II doesn't have a kid who's...
Credits: Executive Associate Director Clark Destin III.
Bernie: UGGHH! TITLE!
Credits: Screenplay by Ima Writer.
Bernie: Oh, she made that name up. TITLE!
Credits: Wait, did we remember to mention Delivery Distribution?
Credit: Thanks to the people of Townville, Ariz., for their cooperation in the making of this film.
Bernie: Now? Title? Now?
Credits: This has been a Smithtown Production.
Bernie: Wait, what? WHOA!
Credits: In association with Melvin Films. The end.
Bernie: The saddest part is, I've seen worse movies.