Bernie Delinski

Have I ever told y'all about the time I solved a Rubik's Cube?

Well it happened on three occasions. Technically, two occasions, because the first time turned out to be a dream.

OK, technically, I solved it on one occasion that I'm certain of, because the more I think about it, the second time it was one of those Cracker Barrel peg games I solved.

In fact, it's all coming back to me. Upon discovering that I haphazardly somehow ended up with only one peg I yelled in excitement, "I'm finally not an 'eg-no-ra-moose'!" loud enough for the vast majority of the restaurant to hear, which, in a bitter dose of irony, caused them all to think, "What an ignoramus."

So that leaves me with one time when I solved a Rubik's Cube. Here's what happened:

Someone showed me a Rubik's Cube he had just solved. I asked him to make one turn on it and hand it to me. I then made that one turn back to the way it was and joined the exclusive group of Cubeinsteins, which is a word I thought I had made up but I just Googled it and it turns out I didn't.

Nonetheless, I solved the Cube!

With that confirmed, allow me to tell you about the time I stayed on a pogo stick for a full 16.71 seconds.

It's a long story, but in the name of brevity I'll summarize it in three short words: It never happened.

Having said that, I have stayed on the ground for at least 16.71 seconds after some rather painful landings resulting from trying to stay on a pogo stick, so I'll just take that as a win.

In my defense, any time I've gotten on a pogo stick, I've always managed to hop right on top of a large rock somewhere and it would be all downhill from there.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Millions have solved the Rubik's Cube but none can remedy Bernie's Brain."

Very funny. You are the large rock in the pogo stick of my life.

But I know what else you're thinking. You're thinking, "Why did this goofball specify 16.71 seconds when talking about a pogo stick? And what's up with his sudden obsession with the Rubik's Cube?"

Well I'm glad you asked, and I'll tell you why: Evan Blecher, that's why!

I'll explain. Earlier this week, Evan set a world record for solving a Rubik's Cube while bouncing on a pogo stick. He did it in 16.71 seconds.

Oh, and he's only 14.

You know what I accomplished when I was 14? Me neither, because to my knowledge that answer was nothing.

But don't worry, I'm going to make it my goal to beat Evan's record. I'm going to find a pogo stick somewhere and hop my way to glory for a full 16.72 seconds!

And I'm going to solve a Rubik's Cube in the process! That is, if Evan would be kind enough to make one turn on the one he solved and then hand it to me.

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