Happy Valentine's Day!
Right now, there are two reactions to that.
Reaction 1: "Aw, how nice of him to wish me a Happy Valentine's Day."
Reaction 2: "That's today?! Oh, (insert word inappropriate for a family newspaper here)!"
But don't worry, Reaction 2 Guys, I've got your back. Here's all you have to do: Read this column (I know, that's a bothersome chore but stick with me here) and then, when you're finished, slam the paper down and tell your significant other, "That Bernie! Just wait until I get my hands on him! And after all that money I gave him!"
And then your SO (Significant Other, or Supreme Officer — let's face it, they both fit) will gaze into your eyes lovingly, all the while silently wondering the thing that our SO's wonder every day, which is, "What is this nimrod yammering on about now?"
Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "What is this nimrod yammering on about now?"
Awww, I didn't know you cared!
But I know what else you're thinking. You're thinking, "No, seriously, nimrod, what are you yammering on about now?"
I'll explain. By now, if you've followed the standard manual of the International Fraternity Of Registered Guys Overt Transgression (IFORGOT), you are just now realizing it's Valentine's Day.
Don't panic! I've got your back.
Here's where you slam down the paper and yell the "That Bernie! Just wait until I get my hands on him! And after all that money I gave him!" phrase I mentioned above.
When your SO asks what you're talking about, explain to her that you paid me to fill this column with a sweet love poem that you had written just for her, as a surprise.
Now there are two things to remember:
Thing 1: "She won't believe you."
Thing 2: There actually isn't a Thing 2, and if there were, it wouldn't matter because there's no way you're going to survive Thing 1.
But don't worry, because this column still offers you some salvation. All you have to do is tell her that you could have used this column as a way to lie to her but chose not to, because you love and admire her way too much for that and, besides, Thing 1.
Only don't mention that last part.
If that also fails to work (Editor's Note: It also will fail to work), there still is a final chance to at least soothe things a bit.
Have her read this column. Then have her read some of my other columns.
At that point, she'll be comparing you to me and realize how lucky she is.
I'm glad my nimrod yammering could be of service on this special day.
It's what any IFORGOT fraternity brother would do.