Imagine my excitement when I discovered my city of Sheffield has a monument commemorating a UFO sighting.
Then imagine my disappointment when I found out it was in Sheffield, Massachusetts. And to make matters even more disappointing, apparently it's the source of some controversy.
According to an Associated Press article, the marker is at a location where people claim to have seen a UFO in 1969.
Coincidentally, that was the same year a spaceship containing aliens landed on the moon. Granted, that spaceship belonged to NASA and in case you were wondering what planet those aliens were from, it was Earth.
Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "That still doesn't answer the question we all want to know: What planet are you from?"
Oh, if only your cruel comments were alien to me.
But I know what else you're thinking. You're thinking, "I'll bet a moon rock that this twerp somehow figures out a way to make this Massachusetts alien controversy about himself."
Well, it just so happens you're wrong. What I'm going to do is explain this controversy in more detail so as to inform you, the reader.
And then I'm going to make it about myself.
You see, according to the article, the 5,000-pound memorial has to be moved because it is on a town right of way easement. However, Thom Reed, who is among those claiming to have seen the UFO in 1969, says it should not be moved, and is even threatening legal action.
Which brings me to me.
You see, for seven years, a monument of a different kind has sat in my backyard. It is a large stump that is the only thing remaining from our giant tree that was knocked down during a 2011 storm.
My wife, Wendy, and I have pondered how to get rid of it. Tree crews have told me it's too big to lift it out with even their strongest equipment.
I'll be honest with you, this one really has me stumped.
Tee-hee. I really went out on a limb with that joke. You see, it all stemmed from the stump. And then it branched out from there.
OK, I'm out of tree parts, so let's continue.
Some friends have suggested we burn it. In fact, they appear downright giddy about that notion, provided they get to help. That's all fine, but here's the problem: That would leave a giant crater in my yard, although, frankly, that would be more attractive than the stump.
So my suggestion to Sheffield, Massachusetts is this: We make a swap — my stump for your monument. Heck, you don't even have to take the stump. I'll just allow my giddy friends to burn it and you can send me the monument and I'll put it in the crater.
Consider it a neighborly offer — from one Sheffield to another.