I recently saw a clip from a new History Channel show called "Kings of Pain."
In it, two people subject themselves to a lot of pain in order to create a sort of pain index. The two people include a professional animal handler and a wildlife biologist.
Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "So in the show, do they read your columns and grade how painful each one is?"
You know, if the History Channel ever does a "Kings of Emotional Pain" series, I'll send them your way.
But I know what else you're thinking. You're thinking, "I hope Bernie provides examples of the types of painful objects they subjected themselves to, so that I might have a better understanding of this program."
OK, maybe that's not what you're thinking, but that's the only way I could think to transition into providing examples of the types of painful objects they subjected themselves to, so that you might have a better understanding of this program.
Anyway, in the event you were curious as to examples of the types of painful objects they subjected themselves to, so that you might have a better understanding of this program, here are a few: a Nile monitor lizard, fire urchin, giant Asian centipede, reticulated python and executioner wasp.
Why does it feel like I just announced the lineup of "The Masked Singer?"
Nonetheless, those examples are courtesy of a History Channel preview on YouTube that features the animal trainer guy getting stung by an executioner wasp.
The trainer, Rob "Caveman" Alleva, describes the pain as throbbing.
"It's actually getting worse," he proclaims at one point, and later compares it to a firecracker.
I found that surprising. Who knew that something that carries the name executioner wasp would pack a painful sting?
By the way, I meant to point out earlier that if you have the urge to image Google giant Asian centipede, resist the urge. Trust me, I made that mistake. On the bright side, at least now I know the topic of my next nightmare.
Back to my point, though. While these critters are - wait, you went and image Googled it, didn't you? I distinctly told you not to! Well, that's on you. Welcome to my nightmare!
Anyway, my point is, while these critters are painful, I want the "Kings of Pain" to dwell with real-life painful matters.
That's right: I defy one of them to stub their little toe.
What's more, I dare them to get a paper cut.
And if they survive that, I want them to clip their fingernails too short.
Now we're talking pain!
Either way, I look forward to these shows and will watch every episode to see whether they take my advice.
Well, every episode except that giant Asian centipede one.